Who said your needs as an older woman are not important – it’s time to flip the script
Once your basic physical needs are met, you need to look at your emotional needs. If these emotional needs are not met, you are likely to suffer.
According to Human Givens, these emotional needs are:
A safe environment where you can live without fear or being threatened.
A sense of control over what happens to you. You need to be free to make life choices.
Being able to give and receive attention.
Intimacy through emotional connection. You need friendships and loving relationships.
Connection to community through work, hobbies, sport or other groups.
Having status so you have a sense of being accepted and valued and respected for who you are and what you can do.
Achievement and competence, meaning a sense of your own competence, abilities, knowledge and skills. Confidence is built through competence.
Everyone needs privacy. You need time and space to reflect, learn and gain respite from external stressors and chaos.
You need to have meaning and purpose. This is when you are stretched mentally and physically so you have a purpose in what you do, and it involves being interested in the bigger picture and helping others.
When emotional needs are not met
When these needs are not met, you may resort to getting them met in negative ways or you may be more vulnerable and open to manipulation from others who have discovered your weak spots.
For example, if you have a need for attention that is not being met, you could easily be manipulated by someone who showers attention on you. You could also try to get as much attention as you can from others and talk excessively, not letting others get a word in. You may create dramas for attention or unconsciously sabotage success and play the victim to get sympathy from others. None of these behaviours enhance your relationships or life in any way.
It's your time to get what you need
As you can see from the list of needs there are many midlife and older women who are not getting these needs met and you may be one of them. Women are less likely to have status than a man and less likely to feel competent and confident. Add to that the invisibility of older women in our society and you can see how this can have a negative impact on senior women. You may not have close relationships with your partner or may be divorced or widowed. You may have lost a lot of friends and are lonely.
Midlife onwards is a time to start to think about your priorities and your legacy. What do you want to be remembered for? What is important to you? What gives your life meaning and purpose? It’s time to tick off those boxes of emotional needs.
Firstly, get clear on your values, what you will or will not accept. Find connections through friends or community groups. It takes time but it is worth the effort. Write down all your achievements and read it often. Have your own back. Find something you love to do for the joy of it – not for the outcome of self-improvement. It may be drawing or dancing or hiking. Find the time. Get rid of the crap that drains your life and mood like scrolling on social media. Become visible – practice slowly voicing what you think and want. Try new things, get creative and you will find others like yourself. Smash ageist stereotypes and be a beacon of light to younger women, that is a wonderful purpose on its own.
Written by Susan Christoffelsz