Why good enough parenting is good enough
There are so many social media parenting groups who advise parents, especially mothers, on the best way to raise children. A lot of it is not based on research and serves to make mums (who are usually the primary caregivers) feel that they are not good enough. Many women already feel they are not enough and then when they are thrown into the new world of looking after a baby, it undermines their confidence when they are looking for support. Striving for perfection only makes mother’s feel more stressed and anxious.
Research in developmental psychology shows that children do not need perfect parents. They simply need ‘good enough’ parents. Loving care with mistakes thrown in is OK. This helps children to build emotional security and resilience.
What Is good enough parenting?
The idea of good enough parenting was first introduced by British paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the 1950s.
Winnicott suggested that children do not benefit from perfect parenting. Instead, they thrive when parents are generally responsive and caring but also allow children to experience small frustrations and disappointments.
Winnicott’s research showed that parents need to be attuned to their child’s needs 30 to 50% of the time for them to be good enough as parents.
It’s impossible to be attuned 100% of the time.
In simple terms, good enough parenting means:
Meeting a child’s emotional and physical needs most of the time
Repairing the relationship when mistakes happen
Allowing children to gradually tolerate frustration
Providing love, safety, and consistent boundaries
Why children don’t need perfect parents
Children learn emotional resilience when they experience small challenges and then recover from them with support.
When a parent occasionally misunderstands a child’s needs but later reconnects and repairs the moment, the child learns an important lesson: relationships can survive mistakes.
Research in attachment theory (John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth) shows that secure attachment develops not through perfection but through consistent responsiveness over time.
Attachment research pioneered by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth found that children feel secure when caregivers are reliably available and emotionally attuned, even if they sometimes get it wrong.
In fact, occasional mismatches between parent and child are part of healthy development.
The pressure of modern parenting
Today’s mother’s often feel overwhelmed by expectations to provide:
constant emotional availability
perfect nutrition
educational enrichment
structured activities
endless patience
This pressure can lead to caregiver burnout, anxiety, and feelings of failure.
Psychologists increasingly warn that perfectionistic parenting can actually make children more anxious. When children grow up believing mistakes are unacceptable, they may struggle with self-criticism and fear of failure.
Good enough parenting helps children develop self-compassion and emotional resilience.
What good enough parenting looks like in everyday life
Good enough parenting is not about doing everything right. It is about being present, caring, and willing to repair when things go wrong.
Examples include:
1. Repairing after conflict
Every parent loses patience sometimes. What matters is returning to the child later and saying something like:
I’m sorry I shouted earlier. I was frustrated, but that wasn’t your fault.
This teaches children that relationships can heal after mistakes.
2. Allowing manageable frustration
Children learn problem-solving when they try things independently. For example, letting a child struggle briefly with tying their shoes rather than stepping in immediately.
3. Being emotionally available
Listening, comforting, and acknowledging feelings helps children feel understood and safe.
4. Setting healthy boundaries
Children feel secure when parents provide consistent limits alongside warmth.
Good enough parenting and emotional development
Children raised with responsive but imperfect parenting develop:
emotional resilience
secure attachment
problem-solving skills
healthy independence
self-confidence
When parents allow themselves to be human, children learn that imperfection is part of life.
When women feel like they’re failing
Many women who seek counselling feel deep guilt about not doing enough for their children. But often, the very fact that a parent worries about their child’s wellbeing is a sign of care and commitment. There is so much misguided advice that serves to undermine women’s confidence regarding parenting.
Bringing up children is one of the most demanding roles in life, particularly when combined with work, financial stress, or caring for ageing parents.
Support, reflection, and self-compassion can help mum’s move away from perfectionism and towards a healthier, more sustainable approach to family life.
If you feel you need to talk to someone as you are experiencing carer burnout, reach out for a free 20-minute no obligation chat.